Night Drives

The last couple days I have been a little restless partly due to an excess of unstructured solitary time. So last night around 9:30 pm, when I finally admitted to my husband that I thought I just needed to go for a drive, he instinctively resisted.

The following concerns understably make him hesitate:

1. I tend to go on night drives when there is some sort of conflict going on in my life.

2. Often times, I am less responsive to people including him during these drives.

3. It is usually night and dark outside.

4. It is usually getting pretty late.

5. Driving means moving and unknown locations at specific times.

I see why the reasons above would make my husband worry and why they form a great argument for why I should not leave the house. Add in the fact that to him, it communicates I am running away from the conflict or worse, him specifically, and you are probably ready to hand me the cruel wife award when I choose to still pick up the keys and go.

Disclaimers: I am fully willing to admit that you could dissect that and find layers and layers of personality flaws and relationship patterns that are simply learned and are unhealthy or negative. In fact, I think those drives probably did originate out of my desire to flee, to run, to escape. Furthermore, I know that before marriage and even early on in our marriage, my husband was extremely turned off by my occasional “night drive” and there was definitely a lot of turmoil caused by them.

But that would only be part of this story.

For example, the following is my genuine response to those same points of concern:

1. I go because I realize I need perspective. I know I need to wrestle with God, clear my head and

heart, and break out of the mental rut I find myself in.

2. I am less responsive because the drive serves as a space to slow everything down, to become

more still.

3. Night brings a different poignancy and clarity to everything, it’s now a familiar friend.

4. I always know I need and still want to get home and sleep.

5. I actually drive the exact same route every single time.

I cannot go back and pinpoint my first “night drive”. But I do know they travel back at least a decade of my life. Looking back, I am amazed at how the impact of those drives mirrors the changes I have seen in myself over the years. Growing in undetectably small increments, morphing ever so slightly year after year, those drives now serve a primary purpose so different than what they did so long ago. Now, instead of satisfying my desire to flee, they function more as an active step to help me process and gain perspective when I know I need it. Some result in singing and uncontainable smiles, some are only filled with tears and prayers, and some are utterly silent except for the solace of music. But each one becomes a vehicle for surrender and transformation in some tangible way.

Sometimes, those solo drives truly feel like the best form of action when part of me is feeling frustrated, shut down, or just trapped. And slowly and surely, my husband is now recognizing that it is not an act of punishment or a desire to inflict pain, but rather one that provides a place to process and pursue much needed perspective.

The truth is he displayed so much grace back in the days when he completely did not understand it. And now, he continues to display grace by understanding and embracing something that is not natural to his own personality and way of processing.

His grace is the key that allows us to keep working out our marriage in all areas… the mundane days, the emotionally volatile stretches, the unnatural dynamics, and even the nights when I need to go on a drive.

I am so very thankful for that.

#prayer #grace #growing #thankfulness #time