Two Songs and Almost Ten Years

Voices. Hundreds of voices...

Deciding to attend Wheaton College was a rocky road for me. Yes, in some ways, I can look back now and see there was always a tiny fragile piece of me that wanted to attend that school, that knew it could be a great fit, and that acknowledged that is probably where I was headed after high school. But by the time Senior year came around, I found myself in a profound identity crisis and opposing the idea that I could be going to college in my hometown. It was a time in my life marked by confusion, deep internal and relational conflict, and absolute exhaustion from trying to pretend with the world while ignoring God the best I could.

In many ways, the girl that walked into Freshman orientation was so unquestionably broken. I can just picture that girl using her spunky attitude, her fun-loving nature, and natural enthusiasm for life to distract from the uncountable cracks covering every inch of her…the fractures that showed how undoubtably fragile I was…. how desperate I was for healing.

The first all-school communion is held on the last night of orientation, the night when all students are back on campus, just before classes begin. It is a night I have thought about countless times, a night burned in my memory for the rest of my life. But for as much as I have thought about it, as much as I return to it in my mind, as much as I refer to it as a “core memory”, I can tell you next to nothing about the details of what happened. I cannot recall one specific song that we sang, I cannot recall who I sat by, I cannot even recall roughly where I was seated. The only thing I remember is being overwhelmed by an undeniable awareness of the presence of God as hundreds of voices filled the room and beyond.

It is one of the most profound markers of my journey with God. The thought running through my mind that night, the thought that was so clear that the memory of it has never faded through the years was simply that “Annie, THIS is EXACTLY where YOU are SUPPOSED to be.”

Let me be clear, there was not instant healing. I still was filled with questions, with paralyzing fears, and so much pain that I had no clue how to handle. But in that moment, on that night, my throat tightened and my voice went silent because of the inexplicable peace and comfort that overwhelmed me in the midst of all that brokenness. It was one of the first moments in my life where I experienced “peace that surpasses understanding” in the deepest sense of those words. And it was a result of knowing, not merely wishing, or desperately hoping…but knowing, that God was present, He was enough, and He had me exactly where He wanted me.

Years later, a song entitled “Where I Belong” was released by Building 429.

It is the only song I have come across that can take me right back to the sound in the chapel that night.

In the middle of the song, at exactly the 2:05 minute mark, the music drops away, and there is a chorus of voices that sing for 25 seconds. Those 25 seconds, if played loud enough, transport me back to that night almost ten years ago and allows me to deeply remember. The type of remembering that surpasses words. A soul-anchoring, inexplicable remembering.

That night marks the beginning of what became the next chapter, the new journey, the entry into a profoundly personal walk with God.

This past Sunday the sermon felt like the concise and clear thesis statement for what has been feeling like a new season in my life. As the sermon ended and the music of “Behold Our God” began I began to once again feel my throat close as the voices rose to sing. I was overcome.

I knew this song marked the beginning of the next chapter with Him.

It was so clear… that night was always intended to be one of a pair…

This Sunday was the matching bookend to that night so many years ago.

I had changed and so had the voices surrounding me. These carried the passage of time, these rang out slightly deeper than those that night in the chapel. But the clarity of God’s powerful presence, knowing HE is initiating His purpose for my life and I simply need to trust and obey overwhelmed me all the same.

Matching bookends…

That first road took me to places I never would choose to go, places of pain words fail to describe, but it brought treasures I never imagined I was worthy of receiving that I will never trade for anything.

And now He is ushering in the next part of the story. He is marking it for me.

In fact, it is so important that He has provided a way for my soul to remember it just like He did so long ago with those 25 seconds of voices. “Behold Our God”, specifically the live version by Sovereign Grace Music, if played loud enough, has a section that is the perfect match for those voices…

those hundreds of voices.

#growing #grace #HisWill #pain #time